It’s So Bad, It’s Glorious.

Ever so rarely does a gem like this come to my attention. But this diamond-in-the-rough needs to be shared with everyone. And hey, since it’s about rockabilly, why not?! Well… I think it’s about rockabilly…

Stop the music, turn off the lights, shut the blinds, lock yourself in a closet and sit tight. Trust me folks, this is a read that you don’t want to pass up!

Click to continue reading!


Let’s take a look at this article…

Rockabilly – The Eye Make-up Hipster Trend

August 13, 2011 12:12 am 38 comments

Influenced by bands from the early 90′s post pop punk era, like Socialily Distorted, The Descenders and Rude Dime Mentally Pee Nine, Rockabillies are the “fem” branch of the hipster culture.

Rockabilly’s are the “gang bangers” of this modern hipster uprising, but at the same time, they are able to deceive the American population of their dangerous habits by wearing over the counter eye liner and using Afro-Saxon hair creams to slick their hair back in to a 50 style Doo Wop manner.

One of the most popular sub genres of Rockabilly is called a “Horror Pop”, which is a branch of followers who worship the female lead singer of the Gothic Rockapunk band, Horror Pops. This band influences young Rockabillys into devil worship and fantasies of hot rod sex orgies and drug induced zombie street drug highs.

Rockabillys idolize and model their dress after Ryan Stezzer, who was actually the first Rockabilly before it hit the main stream. Brian Stezzer has been writing hip gyrating sex music for over 30 years and continues to this day to make devil songs with his band “Stray Cats”. The name of the band refers to female naught holes and how they make women stray from their bedroom windows at night.

What Does a Rockabilly Look Like?

The male style of dress is like if you took Elvis and ran him through a copious amounts of gay bars for some “rough riding” and then dunked him into a batter of eye liner and faux hawked pompadours, then topped him off with tight $400 Diesel jeans and a tight button up shirt from GAP.

The sad thing is, the male Rockabilly spends more time on his hair and make up than his ovary bleeding sub counter part.

The females are no less than a show tunes number of sin dripping hussies, dressed up in tight street walker jeans and tube tops that make their sin bags cry “milk for sale”. They all tie their hair up to hide drugs, weapons and known to even smuggle illegal sex toys. Another hair accessory is the red flower or “Dolly” which symbolizes that they are sexual active and ready to rumble under the sheets with Satan’s Kookies in hand, while they gaze into their shirtless posters of Mike Ness.

Why Do They All Have Tattoos and What Does Each Tattoo Mean?

Swallows: Means they (male or female) like to take part in swallowing masturbatory climax juice.

Dice: This means the tattooee has a disease from performing a pre-martial sex act. In this culture, having a sex plague is “Rock Billy Boogie” or “Super Cool” and the number you have on your dice, is the number of sex diseases you have.

Cherry: If a girl has a cherry on her body, this means she has been entered anally in a sexual way by male Rockabilly. If a boy has a cherry tattoo on his body, this means he has dipped his “Ooby Dooby” into another man’s sewer pipe.

Money Sign: This sign is tattooed on the female Rockabilly and means she is owned by a Rockabilly pimp or also known as a “Daddy-Oh”. A “Billy Whore” is passed around local Rockabilly circles for a street fair price.

Eight Ball: This is for those who want people to know they are drug users. The eight ball is a street word for “crack” or as the Rockabillys call it “Sailor Jerry Dust”.

Why is This Culture Dangerous?

Besides the fact that it is making our future businessmen into Mary Kay wearing homosexuals, our future kitchen commanders into tramp stamped prostitutes and that every person who gets sucked into this powder puff culture is a Jagermeister alcoholic? You can tell this trend is smothered in sinful Cadillac danger because it is becoming very popular with the oriental communist countries like China, Japan, Mongolia and Tibet. The communist version of Rockabilly is called “Harajuku” or if translated into English, it means “Gothic Dancing Leather Communists”.

Every morning these commies wake up to practice fighting styles while dressed like the American Rockabilly. You know that it is only a matter of time that theses yellow invaders will try to use their “in common” ways to connect and then influence the minds of the American youth.

ALRIGHT! Well… Wasn’t that exciting!

Oh goodness gracious… Now wasn’t this a glorious read? Sure as hell beats reading about pomade ANY DAY!

Let’s take a look at some of the highlights!

– Socialily Distorted

Socialily! Is this an all female Social Distortion cover band? Or is there a band that I missed out on? Either way, I think the author is onto something!

– Ryan Stezzer/Brian Stezzer.

Misspelling the same name TWICE in a single paragraph? GOLD. But hey, as long as they sing about ‘female naught holes,’ that’s all we care about, right?

– The sad thing is, the male Rockabilly spends more time on his hair and make up than his ovary bleeding sub counter part.

Not far-fetched. Admit it.

The females are no less than a show tunes number of sin dripping hussies, dressed up in tight street walker jeans and tube tops that make their sin bags cry “milk for sale”. They all tie their hair up to hide drugs, weapons and known to even smuggle illegal sex toys. Another hair accessory is the red flower or “Dolly” which symbolizes that they are sexual active and ready to rumble under the sheets with Satan’s Kookies in hand, while they gaze into their shirtless posters of Mike Ness.

This is straight out of Cry-Baby, when Mrs. Vernon-Williams is explaining the reason for her “frazzled nerves.” But a little more modern and x-rated.

– Swallows: Means they (male or female) like to take part in swallowing masturbatory climax juice.

– Cherry: If a girl has a cherry on her body, this means she has been entered anally in a sexual way by male Rockabilly. If a boy has a cherry tattoo on his body, this means he has dipped his “Ooby Dooby” into another man’s sewer pipe.

– Money Sign: This sign is tattooed on the female Rockabilly and means she is owned by a Rockabilly pimp or also known as a “Daddy-Oh”. A “Billy Whore” is passed around local Rockabilly circles for a street fair price.

Ah, so that’s what they mean! I was wondering what all the stereotypical tattoos meant! I guess I haven’t been around long enough to acquire these…

– …it is becoming very popular with the oriental communist countries like China, Japan, Mongolia and Tibet. The communist version of Rockabilly is called “Harajuku” or if translated into English, it means “Gothic Dancing Leather Communists”.

Damn, how come I missed the Mongolian rockabilly cats in their gabardine Dan Dels? Next level? I think so! I know what I’m wearing to Black Couture!

And all this time, I thought Harajuku was a place! I guess it’s all the hot rod sex orgies, while listening to The Descenders has rushed all the blood into my ooby-dooby, instead of my brain; who woulda thunk it!

Well folks, I hope you enjoyed this read. I know I did! The glorious thing about the internet, is that you can learn something new every single day… Now that rockabilly is on these type of folks radar, we can only hope that they’ll reach out to us and save our buttholes.

This is the type of read that you never want to end, it’s captivating stuff! The more this guy could address, the better! I mean, during this short buy golden read, I feel as if I read the dictionary, twice, in French, upside down, on a horse. I feel battle ready!

Now, you should know exactly what rockabilly is about! Hot rod orgies, eye-liner, zombie highs, yellow invaders, and female naught holes.


Big thanks to Daniel for posting this gem. If this thing was printed out an auctioned off, I’m sure it would sell for a gold brick.

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12 responses to “It’s So Bad, It’s Glorious.

  1. Equality 7-2521

    Knowing is half the battle.

  2. I guess it’s time to get some new tattoos… 😛

  3. What the heck are you talking about, that is a loadddd of bullshit!

  4. And where did you find this? It’s fucking ridiculous. hahaha the funniest part was “Ryan Stezzer” into “Bryan Stezzer”… Shit is so cash.

  5. It should be known that Christwire.org (the source of this article) is a satirical website–but you’re right, it is so bad that it’s glorious.

  6. I was just about to send this article to you!! haha!

  7. Damn I always wondered what my wife hid up in her hair… I guess knowing is half the battle.

  8. I fucking laughed OUT LOUD. I’ve seen some good trolling before, but this is sheer genius.

  9. That is so stupid! It’s almost insulting!!

  10. hahaha i love what swallows are “suppose” to mean these are ignorant folks

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